Bernard Bearcat - I Found Your Phone - Copyright C.K.Gurin 2019


 

binglebingleBINGLEbinglebingle

What do you mean you found my phone? You're texting me ON my phone.

Did you lose your phone?

A long time ago. I had insurance. They replaced it.

I found it. It works. Nobody ever turned it off. So it's mine. Unless you want it back.

Of course I want it back. You can't just use somebody else's phone.

Are you getting billed for it?

Uh…no.

There you go. So now YOU have a phone, and I have a phone.

Who ARE you and what are you doing with my phone?

It's not your phone any more, and my name is Bernard.

Bernard what?

Bernard…Bearcat.

Bearcat? That's cool. So you're Native American, right?

No. I'm a Bearcat. My name is Bernard.

What do you mean, you're a Bearcat?

Do you not speak Google?

Excuse me?

Look it up.

Look WHAT up?

Me.

Listen, you're giving me a headache. Tell me where you are and I'll come get my phone.

I'm in a tree.

What??

I'm in a tree. Actually it's an abandoned treehouse. Nobody was using it. So now I have a house and a phone.

Dude, you need a charger for my phone. What am I saying? I'm going to come get my phone. Where are you?

I'm in my treehouse. And somebody bootlegged a line from an electric pole, so I've got power. I also have a phone charger. I found it in the trash. I should probably order a flat screen TV. There seems to be money in a PayPal account linked to this phone.

Bernard, don't even THINK of charging a flatscreen to my PayPal account. I will hunt you down, buddy.

You could come visit, you know. But I should warn you. The treehouse doesn't have a ladder. Can you climb trees? Do you have a tail?

No I don't have a tail, you nitwit. I'm a human.

I'm not.

What do you mean, you're not?

I'm a Bearcat.

I thought you said that was your last name.

It is. Effectively. It's not Bernard Groundhog. It's Bernard Bearcat.

Stop. Just stop. You're a human. Animals don't use smartphones and they don't send text messages.

Shows how much you know. Did you look me up yet? Go ahead. I'll wait.

Give me a minute.

OK, I'm back. I looked them up. They're sort of weird looking.

EXCUSE ME??? I'm not weird looking.

I didn't say YOU were weird looking, I was talking about bearcats. Raccoon shaped face, teddy-bear ears, cat whiskers, body like a chubby little bear cub, long fluffy tail, 5 digit paws… I take that back, actually they're kind of cute. There was a picture of one of them sleeping and his little pink tongue was sticking out.

That was me.

Give me a break.

I'm famous. Or I used to be. I escaped.

From where?

An exotic animal pet shop. There was a fire.

Oh no!

It's OK, I managed to get everybody out of their cages in time. But there were a lot of flyers with my picture on them. I was famous.

Listen Bernard, that's a very creative story, but I really do need to get my phone back.

What would you do with it? With your phone. If I gave it back?

Well, I already have a replacement phone so I guess I'll just stick it in a drawer in case I lose this one.

Nope. That won't work. I need a phone. You can't have house without a phone. It's not safe. Suppose burglars came? Suppose I had a fire? I have a house. I need a phone.

Bernard…

Don't you care about my wellbeing?

Bernard, I don't even KNOW you. You're just some weird guy who's pretending to be a freaking marsupial or something.

Marsupials have pouches. You know, like Kangaroos. And flying squirrels. I'm not a marsupial. I'm a Bearcat. I have a terrific tail though. I can use my tail to hang upside down. It's very strong. I could snap a photo.

Bernard, I do NOT want to see any naked pictures of you, so just forget it.

CLICK - CROP - SEND

Bernard, I thought I just told you … holy cow!

What's the matter?

You're a Bearcat.

You're a little slow on the uptake. That's what I've been telling you.

But…but…

Spit it out. But what?

But that doesn't make any sense. How can you be typing? And talking?

I'm not actually talking, I'm typing. When I try to talk I sound like a cat. Have you ever tried to talk to a cat?

Yeah, I have a cat. I talk to him all the time.

Really? That's interesting. We might get along pretty well then.

Wait, how did you learn English? How did you learn how to type?

I had the run of the pet shop. The guy who worked there had a smartphone. He let me play with it. He wanted to see if I could be taught to communicate, you know like that gorilla, but typing instead of sign language.

Did you let him know you learned how?

No. That would have landed me in a stupid zoo or something.

I…I don't quite know what to say…

Say I can keep your phone.

Uhhhh…

Please?

Uhhh…

Pretty please?

Uhhh…OK. I guess.

Cool beans. Listen, do you have a flat screen TV?

Um…yeah. Why do you ask?

Order a pizza. We can watch a movie. I'll be there in a half hour. Get anchovies.

Bernard, wait… I don't think that's a very …Bernard? Bernard??

 


Thank you for inviting me to dinner last night.
It was a good pizza.

You're welcome, but you sort of invited yourself.

That worked out well then.
Did your cat ever come down from on top of the refrigerator?

He finally came down this morning.

I didn't mean to startle him.

You didn't startle him.
You scared the living daylights out of him.

So he's the nervous type?

Bernard you snuck up on him and pulled his tail.

It was a friendly gesture.

Then you smiled at him.

I have a nice smile.

You have sharp teeth, Bernard.
He thought you were going to eat him.

He over-reacted.
That was a great standing jump though.

.



It's me.

I see that. It's three o'clock in the morning, Bernard.

I'm nocturnal.

I'm not. I was sound asleep.

I had a great idea.

I'm listening.

I'm going to take disco lessons.

Excuse me?

I watched a vampire video.
Vampires know how to disco.

Since when?

I don't know. He was dancing in a place that had a sparkly ball hanging from the ceiling.

He who?

The vampire. I liked the music and the sparkly ball.

What was the name of the song?

"I Love The Nightlife."
I'm going to hang a sparkly ball in my treehouse.

Where are you going to get the sparkly ball?

My birthday's coming up.

And your point would be?

You could get one for me. I like disco.

Bernard… I'm very tired and the disco craze ended in the 1980's.

Are they still making sparkly balls?

Probably.

Put it in a box with a bow on it so I'll be surprised.

Good night, Bernard.



I just discovered something.

Hello Bernard. What have you just discovered?

There are a lot of really good apps on my phone.

Ohgeez…

There's streaming TV and a bunch of weather stuff. And grocery delivery. We could order dinner.

Bernard…don't…

The weather stuff is a really good idea too. My treehouse is not a very good place to be in a storm. I'll stay in your guest room. I can teach you how to disco.

Oh…Bernard…

 



Did I wake you up?

What time is it, Bernard?

It's 4 a.m. Don't you own a watch?

What do you want Bernard?

I could find one for you on eBay.

I have a watch, Bernard.

Also your phone tells you what time it is.

Bernard, are you texting me at this hour for a reason?

I think I need a job. Being a homeowner is expensive.

Bernard, you live in a treehouse. You don't pay rent. You don't have a mortgage. Why is it expensive?

I was thinking about putting in a spa.

Goodnight, Bernard.





What is it now Bernard?

I forgot to ask you some stuff.

OK. Go ahead. Ask.

I need your name…

You already know my name. It's Madison.

No, I need your full name.

Madison Wheeler.

What's your date of birth?

Hold it right there…

…and your Social Security number.

Not happening, buddy.
Why are you asking me for that information?

A nice man called and said I could have a washing machine with no down-payment and they'll send somebody out to install it for me.

Bernard, your treehouse doesn't have running water.
Also you don't wear clothes.

There is that…

Besides, you can't just order stuff and expect me to pay for it.

There. You see? I told you I needed a job.
How much do disco instructors make?

Later, Bernard. I've got to get up and get to work.

 

 




I had a great idea.

Hello Bernard. What's your idea?

I'm going to start freelancing.

Doing what?

Freelancing. I'll be a Commander.

Bernard, that's not a thing. Well actually it's sort of a thing, but that just means you do it without having a full time job doing it.

I can do that.

You can do what?

Freelancing.

Doing what?

Freelancing. I'll be a Commander. Weren't you paying attention?

Bernard… Let's start over. You saw an ad somewhere, right?

Right.

What did the REST of the ad say?

Wait a minute, I've got it right here…
Freelance Ordnance Disposal Team Commander.

Ohgeez…
That's a job on a bomb squad, Bernard.

I might not want to do that. There are a lot of jobs here. I'm going to keep looking.

Good plan. Write if you get work.

 



Did I wake you up?

No, I'm sitting at my computer working late.
What's up, Bernard?

I found another job that sounds like it's perfect for me.

OK, tell me about it.

Skydiving instructor.

Bernard, what in the heck do you know about skydiving?

I do this stuff everyday. Well, not every day. Mostly I climb down and walk to the next tree. But I can definitely teach people how to jump from one tree to another.

Bernard…jumping from tree to tree isn't skydiving.

Trees are all the way up in the sky. You jump. That's skydiving.

Uhhhh… Bernard you understand airplanes, right?

Sure. You get on them, and then you get off someplace else.

Right. Well…skydiving is when you jump out of an airplane.

Why would somebody want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane?

I'm told they're trying to reach terminal velocity, Bernard.

Are you insane?

They do wear parachutes so they fall more slowly.

Listen to yourself!

Bernard… there are other vocations!

Good. Because I am NOT jumping out of airplanes.




Guess what!

Hello Bernard. What's up?

Somebody wants to hire me.

For what?

I'm going to be an Uber driver.

Bernard…Do you understand what Uber does?

Sure. It's ride sharing. I take somebody for a ride and Uber pays me money. You need to buy an Uber tube for me so I can drive it. I like the blue one.

Uhhh…

There's a picture of it on their Facebook page.

Uhhh…

I Googled Uber tube and there it was. The Uber tubes come in pink, blue, yellow and black.

Ummm… Yep. I see that.

I like the blue one.

Bernard…buddy, those are INNER tubes. They just made them in color and named them Uber tubes.

I know that. I like the blue one.

Bernard… Uber drivers have to drive cars, not Uber tubes.

Bernard? Bernard? Are you still there?

You have a swimming pool in your backyard, right?

Uhhh… yes.

If you ordered the blue one I could take you for a ride.

Awwww… alright Bernard. I'll order the blue one.

Great! How much should we charge your neighbors?

Ohgeez.

 


Read Bernard Bearcat''s "Go Bother Bernard" advice column

 

 

P.S. Scroll back up the page and click on my picture.

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C.K.Gurin - TheQuantumCat.com - LoomisWebb@gmail.com

  Bernard Bearcat, "I Found Your Phone" by C.K.Gurin (c) 2018/2019
Go Bother Bernard (c) 2020