Guess what?

Hello Bernard, what's up?

Somebody just hired me.

Really? To do what?

I'm going to be an advice columnist.

Seriously? Did you tell them you're a bearcat?

It didn't come up.

What do you know about being an advice columnist?

What's to know? People ask questions, I'll give them advice.

What was it that prompted them to hire you?

They liked the writing samples I sent them.

I didn't know you had a bunch of writing samples, Bernard.

I didn't. I borrowed some of yours.

Oh for… BERNARD!!!

You weren't using them.

Groan…

Bernard what are you going to do when questions start coming in looking for advice?

I'll answer them.

Sigh. What's the name of your column?

It's "Go Bother Bernard." And I've already got my first question.

Really? What was it?

Somebody said every time they sit down at their computer the cat sits in their lap and it makes it hard to type because the cat lies across their arms. They wanted to know what to do about it.

What did you tell them?

I told them to put the cat on the floor and squirt some whipped cream on his head.

Uhhh…

The cat won't feel rejected, he'll enjoy the treat, then he'll need to give himself a bath. By the time he's done he'll need a nap.

You know, that's actually not bad, Bernard. So who hired you?

I forget. Some magazine. They're in New York. Their ad said they were looking for something different.

So what are you going to do with your salary?

I'm shopping for drapes.

 

.


 

 

Got a minute?

Hello Bernard, How's the advice column coming along?

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

OK, how can I help?

There are a lot of weird people out there.

Well, yes, that's true.

We should do something about that.

Uhhh...

Every time somebody has a good idea some weird people in Washington shoot it down.

Yes, I've noticed that myself.

I think I should run for office.

Uhhh...

I'd do a better job than that bozo what's-his-face.

I don't doubt that for a minute.

So how many campaign signs should we order?

Uhhh... Bernard, I think you might actually have to be a human to run for office.

Actually... you don't. I looked it up.

You also have to be older. Most government positions require you to be between 18 and 35 minimum.

But I don't have to be human, right?

Apparently not.

Piece of cake. I've got this.

Uhhh...

I'll buy a gray wig and aviator sunglasses. Nobody will be able to tell the difference.

 


 

 

Hello Bernard

Are you awake?

I am now. What's up?

Somebody sent me a new question.

And?

It's weird.

I'm listening.

What's a cat attempting to say when he pees on your head while you're asleep?

Uhhh…

You have a cat. You could ask him.

Bernard… I can't actually communicate with my cat.

Why not? Is his smartphone broken?

Uhhh… Bernard, he doesn't have a smartphone.

Why not?

He's a cat, Bernard.

Your point?

Uhhh… he doesn't speak English, Bernard.

No problem. Votre chat parle-t-il français?

Bernard…

¿Tu gato habla español?

Bernard…

Spricht Ihre Katze Deutsch?

No, Bernard, he doesn't speak English or French, or Spanish, or German.

... ... ... ...

Bernard? Hello? You still there?

OMG. Is your cat a Martian? He's probably lonely. He wants to phone home.

Bernard...

Thanks.

For what?

The answer.

Wait...what?

That's obviously why he's peeing on that lady's head. If I didn't have my own phone I'd probably have to pee on your head.

BERNARD!!!

What?

   

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"GO BOTHER BERNARD"?

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Bernard Bearcat - I Found Your Phone (c) 2018
Go Bother Bernard (c) 2020

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